and then there's me

so I have been super conflicted for so long
I just don't know what to do about so many things
There is no part of my life that feels safe.
except this tiny place I have at the edge of the woods
which could go away at any moment
I'm here on someone else's whim
and while frightening... it's a grace.

I keep coming back to this idea of self-love
and I don't mean the gushy woowoo kind that sevreal of my friends use to justify their selfie-ddiction.
but the kind where, if I was my own bff... watching from the sidelines... I'd have to say something. Like, you know... "Are you really sure you need to be in this situation where you're really, really not happy? Where you never feel safe? Where you don't feel able to be open? Is your trust EVER really going to return or are you just going to sit here and wallow in your legally not hollow existence, knowing that good enough for many will never be... for you? Knowing that until you are open again, you cannot be who you are SUPPOSED TO BE?
Are you really okay with feeling lost and afraid?
Because honey it's on you to not be. Fuck people. They are not dependable. Not really. There's always something.
And you're not freaking healthy.
THIS... is not freaking healthy.
Stop this. Please."

and then hugs you like a bear mama til you start bawling all over the place
and eventually, after all the slobbery sobbing wail-screaming
all that's left is nothing

can I get there without all the drama?
please